These past few months have been a blur to me. I fell out of touch with a lot of my friends and family; when I see them and they ask what have I been up to my only reply is work. I’ve been working all the time lately. After a 40 hour work week at the my full time job, on any given evening you can find me at one of my other three jobs of babysitting, tutoring, and waiting tables at San Luis. If I’m not there, I’m probably putting in some volunteer hours. I love my life, don’t get me wrong. But in the hustle and bustle of constantly working, I lost my direction.
I wasn’t socializing in a healthy manner and that caused me to feel very lonely over the past few months. I was shutting myself out from the world by keeping busy with work…not such a good idea. I had no clue what I was doing with myself anymore. I was slowly creating a void in my life.
I have become someone I don’t recognize. Right now, I am really struggling. I can honestly say my heart isn’t in a good place. I’ve never been someone who has used a lot of curse words, but lately it’s just become a part of my vocabulary and it disgusts me. I put myself before others. I have been so selfish.
This past weekend at a Christmas party I drank too much. And y’all. I didn’t like who I was in that moment. It was as if all the sudden everything I hated about myself fell in and I felt so alone and isolated in this huge room of people. I flipped out on a really sweet guy who I’ve been texting because I was insecure about myself (I have a bad tendency to project my anger at myself onto other people, I’m sorry) and then started crying in public. It was not my finest moment.
I was so embarrassed though. I don’t know who I am or what I’m trying to be.
I went to church today and felt like I was faking it. I was with my best friend and felt so dirty knowing how awful I’ve been and knowing all the secrets I’ve been keeping from her. I’m ashamed of what I’ve become.
But this evening I realized I don’t want to be this person I’ve been lately. I want to be loving and caring. I want to be confident and strong. I want to be the person people think I am, the one who is sweet and kind. Not this monster. I want to repair broken relationships and friendships. I want to not be so needy and crave constant attention. I want to be a true representation of what it means to be a daughter of the most High King. I want to be me again.
Through these past several months, I’ve realized the importance of being honest with myself and the necessity of community and friendships. I’m thankful for God’s unending grace and mercy and that even though I rebel against Him often, He still loves me and wants me anyway.
I know there wasn’t much of a point to this post but I felt the need to confess and come clean publicly of my sins and where I’ve fallen short. The Lord is good and I know through this He will be glorified.